Saturday, June 19, 2010

Who Am I? What does high school have to do with that?

WARNING: This post is LONG and personal! It's probably more real than I have been in a while!

"If going through life and you find yourself lost, go back to the last place you knew who you were and what you were doing, and start there."--Carol Stack

I really wish I could find a website to link you to her, but there are a few Carol Stacks. I don't know for sure which one she is. She came to Appalachian State University in 1996/97 and gave a lecture. If I could find my notes, I could probably tell you the name of the lecture. I could almost tell you exactly where I was sitting in the lecture.

Anyways... I digress.

This was the first thing she said in the lecture. I wrote it down, but I never had to look at it. I memorized it just from hearing it the first time. It has been my favorite quote for 15 years!

I said that to tell you this:
Have you ever had a time that you just felt that everything was going wrong? You take a drive and come home more confused than when you left? You try to write something, but it only comes out wrong?
Saturday.... That was me!
I've been trying to make some serious decisions lately. Moving? Transferring Chasity? School? Major things!
Saturday, I could not get my head straight. Tony, Chasity, and I started to a store 3 or 4 times, but we never made it. I finally dropped them off at home with all intentions of going to the store alone.
I started driving. I got to Branchview (I think it has a different name now). I saw the turn off for my old high school. I took it! I wasn't sure why. No one would be there. If they were, they wouldn't know me! It's been 15 years! (OMG! I can't believe that!)
Saturday's date was June 19, 2010. I drove through the school parking lot near the office. Tears started rolling. I couldn't stop them. I didn't know why they were there!
I looked from my car into the new beautiful media center windows. I never got out. I really didn't want to get arrested! :) I completed the horseshoe and drove around to the big student parking lot.
I saw all the new things. I saw that they have leveled out the big dip that was in the parking lot. As I passed the building and looked to my right, I noticed it.
What was it?
It was the football field.
Why's that special?
June 14, 1996 (14 years and 5 days earlier) I sat in a rather warm metal chair on the very soggy wet center of the SpiderWeb and C in a black cap and gown with a black/gold/white tassel.
As I drove by, it was like I could see all of my friends and family sitting on the concrete bleachers waving and smiling. I could see my brother and sister holding the banners they had made for me. I could see me... my 18 year old self... sitting there. I heard them call my name. I walked across the stage.
Then it hit me! Through all the tears and flashbacks to a night that I will never forget, it hit me! It hit me hard!
The last place I knew who I was and what I was doing was the night I was sitting on the hot metal chair in a black cap and gown waiting to hear my name! That was the last time I was clear as to what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to be!
After that night, I started making mistakes that I can't fix now! I can't go back and re-do the things that have led me to where I am now!
Some of them, I wish I would have done differently.
Some of them, I am glad they are the way they are!
As I sat in that parking lot Saturday evening, I realized that I have gotten myself to where I am. My decisions have put me here! I have to take responsibility for them!
It's going to take me awhile, but I think, before long (hopefully), I'll know who I am and what I'm doing!
Until next time........

1 Comments from my friends:

Donna1264 said...

Wow...did your post ever take me back. I graduated high school nearly 30 years ago and I can remember that day as if it were yesterday.

Except, I can't go driving by my old alma mater because I no longer live in the same state where I went to high school. I have moved thousands of miles away and for the good, I'd like to believe.

I made mistakes too and have learned from them - because what would be the point if you don't learn anything?

Thanks for being so candid and honest in your post. You might just read something similar one of these days in a post from me.